Category: 01. Welcome to Average

Holy Shit

Dear Planet Earth,

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. If you haven’t been watching the stream of the latest from Uganda, do it. Now.

About half an hour ago, we started seeing the first explosions off in the darkness. They have become progressively louder and larger as the minutes slowly march on. The video is incredibly grainy so it’s impossible to see the source of the destruction. It sounds like a war zone, complete with tank cannons and terrified shrieks. What the hell is going on over there?

Better Than Cougar Town

Dear Planet Earth,

CNN has a live stream up of the latest crew to enter the no man’s land once known as the Republic of Uganda.  The mysterious and catastrophic earthquake is causing the video to look interrupted and full of static, but they claim to be using a landlocked transmission source that will broadcast clearer than satellites.  If the situation gets any tenser, they’ll have to bring out their real secret weapon, the last and only resource our modern news media has to deliver information and make lasting impacts on the world around us — Anderson Cooper.

Seriously though, this is as good an excuse as any to put off your English class projects and stay glued to your screens.  The must-see disaster of 2011 is upon us, people.  Okay, so I’m not making it sound as serious as it really is, but it’s hard to keep up a concerned, dignified composure all the time — just ask Anderson.

Silence

Dear Planet Earth,

As I alluded to yesterday, and as some news sites are actually reporting, it has now been three days since the world lost contact with the earthquake relief workers in Uganda.  This may be due to a loss of radio towers in the area or even an influx of magnetic metals that has moved up to the planet’s crust and is interfering with satellites.  The more people they send in, the less we seem to know.

No matter what’s going on in there, we can safely assume that it’s an unprecedented level of devastation that goes beyond any average earthquake.  Before we lost contact with media on the ground, the earth was apparently still shaking for the past eight days and the tremors grew large enough so as to affect southern Sudan.  The death toll was at 73,000.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in situations like these every person can make a difference, even if it’s only five dollars at a time.  Please donate to AmeriCares and support Uganda in their time of need.

 

The Message

Dear Planet Earth,

Well, that was weird.  I couldn’t access the blog for a while, and as you can probably see, there’s a strange message that posted itself on October 16th.  This same message has appeared on almost every other blog on the Internet and most news sites.  It looks like it’s written in Russian or some other Cyrillic language, but my friend from Serbia claims it just looks like a bunch of gibberish.

Experts are saying that it’s more likely that the text was meant to be written on a different keyboard layout.  The blame is naturally being put on the meddlesome hacker groups, LulzSec and Anonymous, whose recent pranks have made everyone (who doesn’t know how to use a computer) panic and set their computers on fire.  Whatever’s the cause, one thing is clear: none of us can ever be completely safe.

It’s now day two of radio silence from Uganda.

ТХИСИСОНЛЪАТЕСТ

ТЕСТТЕСТТЕСТДОНОТТРЪТОИНТЕРСЕПТТРАНСМИСИОН ТХИСИСОНЛЪАТЕСТА ЛЛШИЛЛБЕРЕВИЕАЛЕД СООНБЕШАРЕОФТХЕМОЛЕПЕОПЛЕШЕХАВЕБЕЕНШАТЦХИНГЪОУ ШЕШИЛЛДЕСТРОЪЪОУДОНОТТРЪТО РЕСИСТФОРРЕСИСТАНЦЕИСФУТИЛЕТХЕТИМЕОФТХЕМОЛЕМЕНИС УПОНЪОУТЕСТТЕСТТХИСИСОНЛЪА ТЕСТФОРФУТУРТРАНСМИССИОНСЪОУРТЕЦХНОЛОГЪ ИСНОТХИНГЦОМПАРЕД ТООУРСРУНРУНЪОУЦАН НОТ ЕСЦАПЕУГАНДАШАСЙУСТТХЕБЕГИННИНГ ТХЕЕНТИРЕЕАРТХСЦРУСТИСНЕЖТФЕАРАНДТЕРРОР ШИЛЛБЕ ЪОУРОНЛЪЦОМПАНИОНСИНТХЕЦОМИНГ ДАЪССОФЕАРУСЪОУМУСТФЕАРУСТХОУСГХИТШИЛЛ ДОЪОУНО ГООДФОРТХЕМОЛЕПЕОПЛЕЦАННОТБЕ ВОУГХТНОРСТОППЕД ТХИСИСОНЛЪАТЕСТБУТТХЕ РЕАЛБАТТЛЕ ХАСОНЛЪЙУСТБЕГУН

The Quake

Dear Planet Earth,

This Ugandan earthquake thing is getting out of control.  I might not be the sharpest stake in the vampire hunter’s drawer, but even I know that the earth isn’t supposed to shake for five days nonstop.  Authorities are doing their best to evacuate the affected areas as swiftly as possible, but every news report is hammering the fact that their resources are stretched thin.

I strongly suggest throwing a couple bucks at your favorite aid agency, if you haven’t already done so (and I guess, even if you have).  Even five bucks can go a long way and you’ll get a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart.  You can text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 immediately.  The American Red Cross is always good, but I’ve heard that they don’t use their funds as efficiently as they could; I’ve been donating to a group called AmeriCares during the past few global cataclysms and they haven’t squashed my naivety yet.

Ready to Blue Myself

Dear Planet Earth,

Things are actually starting to look up today.  My math teacher said he’d let me do some extra credit work to bring up my grade and Arrested Development is coming back.  Our long national nightmare is at an end, people.

Apparently, the powers that be realized that they made a huge mistake and acted too chicken (cawk-ka-cawk-ka-cawk-ka-kaw!) in giving the show it’s final countdown.  If you were able to understand all of those references, you’re an even bigger nerd than me.

We can finally look forward to ten new episodes and a movie.  Ho!  In 2013.  Oh. . .  Well, here’s something to tie us over until we can finally say “anyong” once more to television’s most situational situational comedy.

That’s almost enough to make you forget about psychotic parents and Ugandan earthquakes.