Tagged: cnn

Blah blah blah blah

Dear Planet Earth,

We lost power for three days. Maybe you all did too. We behaved as calmly and civil as we could. We’ve gone without power before, but this sudden change in our living arrangements inspired some fear in all of us nonetheless. Whatever. It’s over now.

The first thing we saw when we checked the Internet was this message from the mole people. It’s been seven months since they left a message on the entirety (with few exceptions) of cyberspace. I’m tempted to delete it from the blog, but I also see it as a possible turning point. The fact that they sent this now after such a long silence has to mean they’re surprised, maybe even scared, of the resistance we’ve put up. At least that’s what we’re all telling ourselves.

It talks a lot about what the first message said. Your demise is inevitable. You ruined the planet. Join us or die. Blah blah blah blah. But now that I’ve read their sacred manifesto, a lot of this message makes a little more sense. A little more.

General Talpa asked to talk to me personally tonight, presumably to get my take on the message since I spent the most time with them. I honestly don’t know what I can tell him that he couldn’t figure out on his own.

The Timeline

Dear Planet Earth,

Here it is — the official timeline of events from October 7 to right now. It’s a little long and chaotic, but I guess that just fits the theme of everything lately. I tried to make it as detailed as possible without focusing too much on me, but there’s still so little we know about the events that have been happening outside of Nevada. Please add any other information you might have in the comments below.

October 7, 2011 — The first major earthquakes occur in Uganda. We know now these quakes were caused by the enormous drills making their long treks up to the surface.

October 16, 2011 — The mole people hack the entirety of cyberspace for the first time with a message that initially looked like gibberish using Cyrillic characters. The loss of communication with Uganda planted the first seeds of worldwide panic.

October 20, 2011 — CNN sends in an army of reporters to document the situation in Uganda. The video stream abruptly ends the next day after images of explosions flood the screens, presumably from the mole men’s first attack on humanity.

October 23, 2011 — Another hack and another message arrive. This message, typed with Korean characters, heralded the beginning of the media blackout that continues to this day.

October 26, 2011 — The earthquakes begin in Las Vegas. It takes a full six days for them to stop and reveal their source — another drill.

November 1, 2011 — Twitter and YouTube come back online with limited functionality. Although the tremors have stopped, they’ve caused irreparable damage to the people and infrastructure of the entire country.

November 5, 2011 — The mole men release their first message with English characters. They demand utter subservience as our future masters, claiming we’ve ruined our chance of ruling the upper crust by destroying the environment.

November 11, 2011 — New York City is swiftly attacked and defeated by the mole people.

November 12, 2011 — I am kidnapped by a group of heavily armed homeless people. It is now thought that the homeless have been secret spies for the mole people for countless generations.

November 15, 2011 — Miami and Washington, D.C. are both attacked and defeated by the mole people.

November 22, 2011 — I am arrested and interrogated by an army battalion under the command of General Talpa. They release me after determining I’m not a threat, though I’m told my name was among thousands being broadcast by the drills.

December 6, 2011 — Atlanta is attacked and defeated by the mole people.

December 7, 2011 — A large group of homeless people begin to gather around the Las Vegas drill. Chicago is attacked and defeated by the mole people.

December 18, 2011 — I make contact with a homeless woman who makes me think I’m more connected to the enemy than I’d like.

December 21, 2011 — The Las Vegas drill begins to vibrate and open. The mole men attack and our battalion is forced to retreat the city. This was the first time we actually had a face and a name for our enemy (which I coined).

December 25, 2011 — General Talpa’s remaining troops regroup with another battalion just outside the Clark County basin.

December 29, 2011 — We continue west, but are ambushed by mole people near a public high school. A number of civilians taking refuge in the high school flee with us toward Creech Air Force Base.

December 30, 2011 — We arrive at Creech Air Force Base, but it is already in shambles. Our battalion plans a major offensive against an approaching force of mole people.

January 1, 2012 — Our forces are severely beaten in battle and forced to retreat. I am shot in the leg by a strange weapon that seems to have no bullets.

January 4, 2012 — Phoenix is attacked and defeated by the mole people.

January 10, 2012 — We arrive at St. Mark’s Hospital to regroup and treat our wounded, me among them.

January 13, 2012 — General Talpa’s battalion heads out once again to look for survivors and build a resistance.

January 25, 2012 — The troops raid a camp of mole men and secure the first known victory against them.

February 8, 2012 — The hospital is attacked by a small group of mole men shortly after the troops return.

Better Than Cougar Town

Dear Planet Earth,

CNN has a live stream up of the latest crew to enter the no man’s land once known as the Republic of Uganda.  The mysterious and catastrophic earthquake is causing the video to look interrupted and full of static, but they claim to be using a landlocked transmission source that will broadcast clearer than satellites.  If the situation gets any tenser, they’ll have to bring out their real secret weapon, the last and only resource our modern news media has to deliver information and make lasting impacts on the world around us — Anderson Cooper.

Seriously though, this is as good an excuse as any to put off your English class projects and stay glued to your screens.  The must-see disaster of 2011 is upon us, people.  Okay, so I’m not making it sound as serious as it really is, but it’s hard to keep up a concerned, dignified composure all the time — just ask Anderson.