El Barto Was Here
Dear Planet Earth,
The rumor is Talpa’s back from his super secret mission and we’ll be heading out tomorrow onto Fort Some-Dead-War-Hero’s-Name. It can’t come soon enough, if you ask me. Things just got a lot more tense here since someone spray painted a bunch of cars with the message “DIE MOLE MEN” over and over.
With only a handful of kids among us, all eyes are on the angsty teen who disrespects old women and consistently asks to help kill mole men.
Of course, it wasn’t me. My respect for punctuation is too deep to forget a comma after “DIE,” though I won’t try to plead my case to my compatriots. The majority of survivors from invasions of mole people, and I include myself in this, like to hold on to the last vestiges of common decency they have afforded to them, silently berating those who have slipped into the tempting trap of organized anarchy — despite how washable said spray paint is or how much they may agree with the spirit of said message.
I’m getting enough dirty looks to know that I probably won’t be allowed to drive one of the minivans tomorrow.
It Seems Today, That All You See. . .
Dear Planet Earth,
So, it’s time to kill Family Guy. I’ve been peddling back and forth on this issue for the past few years, but after last Sunday’s episode, I can confidently say that now is the time to drive a merciful stake into the heart of a cartoon that has quickly devolved into a random mess of fart jokes and 80s pop culture references.
Say what you will about The Simpsons and how it all started to go downhill after season seven, Matt Groening would never waste airtime with irrelevant country music songs or overly dramatic situations that don’t even end with a punchline.
The Family Guy writers have used up every possible plot theme available to them, and in the process have ruined the few great mysteries that drove the show. Does Stewie really talk? Does Peter have real mental problems? Does the evil monkey in Chris’ closet really exist? All of these questions were wasted on forgettable and unfunny episodes that did more to tear down everything the show created instead of creating new intelligent and comedic situations.
So, there’s my two cents about one of the most pressing issues of our society. But let’s remember some happier, more peaceful times in animation history with this classic: